Intro and Tribute

I am filled with emotion as I begin this new blog. It seems like a huge step for me. Not just in terms of committing to being diligent in my writing again, but also personally: as another step in a grieving process.


As many of you know, a year ago last week my precious father was taken Home to Jesus. Even as I type these words, I realize that I still haven't grasped the truth of it. I feel like I'm acting out someone else's life. It is still too horrific for my heart to believe. But the reality of him not being physically present in my life anymore is all too obvious every single day.


I say all this to explain why I need to write again. Why "putting pen to paper" needs to no longer be one of many things that has been demoted on my priority list. Mainly because I feel it is how God created me. He gave me the desire to write and the ability to best communicate that way. It may not be helpful to anyone else, but it helps me process this thing called life. It causes me to sort out circumstances. Discern truth. Enjoy experiences over and over. And now, also honor and feel close to my Daddy.


Daddy loved to write. He was very gifted with words and also enjoyed the therapy writing brought. We loved to read each other's "works." He was my biggest cheerleader and I always felt like I was seeing even deeper into his heart when I read something he wrote. We even wrote a speech together for my high school graduation. It was simply one of many bonds we shared.


In the past few years, life has taken off - sometimes feeling as though it was taking me for a ride. Carl and I married in March of 2008. Liam was born in November of the same year, with Cole following in June of 2010, and Ezra in September of 2011. Daddy's first bout with cancer was early 2010. We thought it was taken care of after surgery and an abbreviated round of treatments. A year later we were shocked with the news that it was still very present; and advanced. In four months we lived through an earthly Hell.
There are many blessings to acknowledge. And there is pain and loss with which to cope.


My days are so busy I feel like I don't do either very well. I look back on a day and try to remember doing anything besides fixing meals, changing diapers, a grocery store trip and cleaning endless dishes and messes. I wouldn't trade my "occupation" for anything in the world. But I feel like if I let myself focus only on the mundane, I'll lose sight of the extraordinary. I can get so consumed with doing the work that God has given me, that I forget God.


Writing, for me, is a way of communing with God. I talk to Him as I write. He speaks to me as thoughts swirl through my head. And many times, I'll look back at something I have just typed and know that it was Him who pulled those words from my scattered brain. After all, He gave me the love of writing to use, right? Does it glorify Him if we let a gift He gives us simply sit on the shelf? Or, in my case, put it on the priority list in the vicinity of the other items I know, deep down, will not get done? Hardly.


Now I realize that this is not going to be an easy task for me. I am easily distracted and I have three cute, loud, little distractions running around me 24/7. (I have gotten up from my computer no less than 50 times thus far in this post, and I am spoon-feeding a certain baby between sentences.)
But it is my goal. My pledge. To God, to myself, and to my Daddy's memory. I will write more often. No one may ever read it; but that's okay. I will endeavor to remind myself in this small way of my identity. Who I am in Christ. Who God made me. An individual with gifts, interests, desires, and the need to use my brain. :) My family is my world right now...but not my identity. I have observed that when you let something (even "good" things) become who you are, you often destroy the very thing you've let consume you. It's like using a plastic knife to cut down a tree: it's not intended for that purpose, therefore it is destroyed and the tree is still standing.


I need the reminder that what I do is not who I am. And for me, writing does this. It renews and enhances my perspective on life. It helps me enjoy and process my world. Regardless of the subject matter, I see God in the art. And I pray to be an artist worthy of His signature.


Now I'll warn you, my musings may be random. I am following a good friend's advice (and example) by simply writing; putting words to life and thereby fully living.
If you are one of the souls that happens along this blog, I pray you see God in it, most of all. I hope it blesses you in some way. Maybe make you cry and laugh with me along the way.


So enough introduction and explanation. Sufficient rambling for one post. I'll sign off for now, promising to return soon. Even if it's with a spoon in one hand.