I'm wondering if physical things -- time of year, weather, similar circumstances -- can trigger emotional things -- memories, grief, flashbacks. I'm no psychologist, but it makes sense that it could be true. And it sure feels like it is true.
I've been a mess lately. I'll just be honest. It feels like I am going backwards in the "grief process" (whatever that means) rather than making any progress. The memories are the haunting kind. The darkness is overwhelming; especially late at night, the one time my house is generally quiet. I don't want to take a nap during the day, even when I'm exhausted, afraid that I won't be tired enough that night to fall asleep before my husband. I can't stand being alone, knowing that's all it will take to fall apart. But I also often feel paralyzed to be with people, because I don't have any emotional energy. My babies are God's comfort to me on a daily basis, yet I am not the mother I want to be.
People say "time heals." But I've said for almost two years now that that is ridiculous. I get what they mean: with time, you will heal. And I used to think that would be true. But I don't think it always is. Maybe it can be. Maybe it should be. But it's not so far.
I've never done this before, so I don't know what's "normal." I feel like I'm doing something wrong -- or not doing something right -- because I've never heard anyone else talk about it. I know people have certain things that trigger memories, bring sadness, etc. But I feel like I could relate better to a war veteran: Unpredictable flashbacks. Depression. Anxiety. Isolation.
I feel like a spoiled child to admit these things. Like I'm trying to be dramatic and act like I have pain that no one else has ever experienced. And I know this isn't true. While my relationship with my Daddy was something special and rare, grief this deep is not rare. Other people are close to their parents and lose them early. People lose their children. People experience horrors of war. And I have seven siblings who lost the same person I did. So why am I the one who can't move on?! Why am I, the oldest of six of them, acting like the biggest baby?
I know it goes deeper than just losing my Daddy. It's about life. It's about my fairy-tale way of thinking and seeing this life, being shattered by my worst nightmare coming true. It's about my faith being put through the fire. It's about God carrying me through an earthly hell to the other side where I can honestly say, in a way I couldn't before, "God is good even if_____." Its about knowing Him deeper and depending on Him completely.
I still have questions. It still seems unfair, harsh, pointless. I still question Him. But I also trust Him. I'm not sure I knew what that really meant before...
So all this rambling is to say that all I can say is...whether what I'm feeling is normal or right or wrong, its an opportunity to run to my Father's open arms. If only to bawl my eyes out. If only to look into His good and loving eyes and cry "why?!" Because I think maybe He wants to remind me that, just as He carried me two years ago, He will carry me now.
I just have to quit wandering...
Monday, July 29, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Land that we love
I've been reflecting on my lack of enthusiasm about the 4th of July...
I love the get-togethers. Enjoy watching the fireworks. Love watching my boys' eyes light up even more. But I can't seem to get all "pumped up" like many people do. After some thought, I think it boils down to this: I'm thankful for my country - freedom of many kinds, etc. I'm blessed to live and raise my children here, no doubt. I'm INCREDIBLY indebted to the men and women who have/do pay a great - sometimes ultimate - price to protect us and our freedom.
But this is where it stops.
I may be shot for saying this, but I'm not proud of my country, in terms of where we are today vs where we used to be. I'm not one of the people that believes we started as a "Christian nation," either; no such thing. It was founded on some biblical principles and some of our forefathers were Christians...but this doesn't put a holy hedge around us or give us any special rights.
Honestly, I just feel an unsettled-ness in my soul when I see this country somehow "combined" with Christianity. And the attitude that we deserve blessing. God has indeed blessed this country in many ways, and of course I hope He continues to. I just pray, more than that, that we in this country turn to Him for security, answers, peace and hope. We have and will never find that in a leader, a document, laws or a nation.
So as I watch the fireworks, I want to dwell on two things:
One, of the sacrifices countless Americans have made in countless battles for generations to maintain our safety and freedom as a nation.
And two, of the true freedom that awaits us one day when we are free from this earth...including this "land that I love."
Because no matter how hard we might try, it's just not going to get better (read Revelation). But that doesn't need to be a depressing thought, because we will one day soon have a Country that we can be "proud" of and King we will worship. This is what excites me. And this is where our ultimate patriotism should lie.
Ok I'm done. :)
I love the get-togethers. Enjoy watching the fireworks. Love watching my boys' eyes light up even more. But I can't seem to get all "pumped up" like many people do. After some thought, I think it boils down to this: I'm thankful for my country - freedom of many kinds, etc. I'm blessed to live and raise my children here, no doubt. I'm INCREDIBLY indebted to the men and women who have/do pay a great - sometimes ultimate - price to protect us and our freedom.
But this is where it stops.
I may be shot for saying this, but I'm not proud of my country, in terms of where we are today vs where we used to be. I'm not one of the people that believes we started as a "Christian nation," either; no such thing. It was founded on some biblical principles and some of our forefathers were Christians...but this doesn't put a holy hedge around us or give us any special rights.
Honestly, I just feel an unsettled-ness in my soul when I see this country somehow "combined" with Christianity. And the attitude that we deserve blessing. God has indeed blessed this country in many ways, and of course I hope He continues to. I just pray, more than that, that we in this country turn to Him for security, answers, peace and hope. We have and will never find that in a leader, a document, laws or a nation.
So as I watch the fireworks, I want to dwell on two things:
One, of the sacrifices countless Americans have made in countless battles for generations to maintain our safety and freedom as a nation.
And two, of the true freedom that awaits us one day when we are free from this earth...including this "land that I love."
Because no matter how hard we might try, it's just not going to get better (read Revelation). But that doesn't need to be a depressing thought, because we will one day soon have a Country that we can be "proud" of and King we will worship. This is what excites me. And this is where our ultimate patriotism should lie.
Ok I'm done. :)
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Habit of Forgiveness
Forgiveness.
The word alone likely brings to mind a particular person (or people). It might make you suddenly remember you have furniture to dust in order to avoid reading any further. :) I know I've been there. But this is a topic God has kept on my heart lately and He's been bringing things to mind that I'm itching to "put to paper" and share, just in case someone else needs to ponder this subject as well.
I know I usually think of the need to forgive in conjunction with "major wrongs" done to us. You know, the "big sins." But I haven't found any verses in the Bible so far that tell me to forgive my brother or sister IF they have done ___. No, it just says to forgive. Like God forgave us. Makes me think that this includes the everyday, irritating, insensitive, "small" stuff, too. The hurtful comment. The insensitive advice. The laziness. The arrogance. The self-centeredness. The manipulation. But I've noticed that in order to truly forgive someone for something, we have to do something first; something that seems kind of obvious, but that we often overlook: we have to acknowledge the hurt. We have to recognize, if only in our hearts, that we have been wronged. That "it's not okay," as they say. That it hurt or offended - whether it was intentional or not - therefore there is work to be done on our part in response: on the heart-level.
I have found, though, that it's easier to not spend this emotional energy. It's easier to start a very subtly destructive habit that helps us cope with the offense without really dealing with it. It's more fun to talk about the person. It's more temporarily satisfying to vent about how wronged we are. And this habit, when nurtured, becomes a lifestyle. So in order to prevent this, we must proactively develop a GOOD habit: the habit of forgiveness. Whether the person you may be thinking about at the moment has wronged you once, in a big or small way, or if it seems to be an ongoing hobby of said person -- your need to forgive may be an ongoing choice.
Notice I said choice. We must choose to forgive. God has given us the ability and Ultimate example, but it's our choice to draw from the stream that flows from Him and - that we claim, as Christians - through us. I have heard varying opinions as to whether forgiveness is a one-time thing or if it's "okay" to have to forgive for the same offense more than once. I tend to believe the latter. While our strength, power, and fueling-love to forgive each other come from the Father who forgave our sins against Him instantly, once and for all -- we aren't God! We still live with our sinful hearts and our human eyes and our earthly emotions every day. While the initial choice to forgive a wrong done to us may be the hardest and the ground-breaking act in our heart by the Holy Spirit, it's not always over there. We pick up the bad habits again; sometimes without realizing it. Rather than meditating on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...anything excellent or praiseworthy" (Philippians 4:8)...which I think applies to people, too...we go back to dwelling on the wrong, the ugly, and the irritating. I believe there is an important reason God said to "think about such things." Because our minds and hearts are so intricately connected, what we are meditating on affects our heart-attitude, and vice-versa. I've heard the best way to break a bad habit is by replacing it with a good habit. So many times I find this very true in the spiritual realm. We habitually think and talk in ways that harm our hearts. I believe many times this very thing is the first step to broken relationships. We dwell on the bad and it gets worse. We talk about the ugly and it gets uglier. One "small" offense festers in our hearts and we keep watering and feeding it until it's a huge weed, choking out the love of Christ.
So I urge you to daily make the choice. Develop the habit. Recognize the hurt and ask God if there are conversations to be had, sins of your own to confess. Choose to see the good. Choose to NOT dwell on the unlovely. Let it go and love the person, starting in your heart. It's not easy but it really is simple. And it's what we're commanded to do as followers of Christ. If we ponder the abundance of which we have been forgiven, we find the strength to abundantly forgive. And the peace and joy in our souls when we live forgiveness is great.
Now. Go dust your furniture. :)
The word alone likely brings to mind a particular person (or people). It might make you suddenly remember you have furniture to dust in order to avoid reading any further. :) I know I've been there. But this is a topic God has kept on my heart lately and He's been bringing things to mind that I'm itching to "put to paper" and share, just in case someone else needs to ponder this subject as well.
I know I usually think of the need to forgive in conjunction with "major wrongs" done to us. You know, the "big sins." But I haven't found any verses in the Bible so far that tell me to forgive my brother or sister IF they have done ___. No, it just says to forgive. Like God forgave us. Makes me think that this includes the everyday, irritating, insensitive, "small" stuff, too. The hurtful comment. The insensitive advice. The laziness. The arrogance. The self-centeredness. The manipulation. But I've noticed that in order to truly forgive someone for something, we have to do something first; something that seems kind of obvious, but that we often overlook: we have to acknowledge the hurt. We have to recognize, if only in our hearts, that we have been wronged. That "it's not okay," as they say. That it hurt or offended - whether it was intentional or not - therefore there is work to be done on our part in response: on the heart-level.
I have found, though, that it's easier to not spend this emotional energy. It's easier to start a very subtly destructive habit that helps us cope with the offense without really dealing with it. It's more fun to talk about the person. It's more temporarily satisfying to vent about how wronged we are. And this habit, when nurtured, becomes a lifestyle. So in order to prevent this, we must proactively develop a GOOD habit: the habit of forgiveness. Whether the person you may be thinking about at the moment has wronged you once, in a big or small way, or if it seems to be an ongoing hobby of said person -- your need to forgive may be an ongoing choice.
Notice I said choice. We must choose to forgive. God has given us the ability and Ultimate example, but it's our choice to draw from the stream that flows from Him and - that we claim, as Christians - through us. I have heard varying opinions as to whether forgiveness is a one-time thing or if it's "okay" to have to forgive for the same offense more than once. I tend to believe the latter. While our strength, power, and fueling-love to forgive each other come from the Father who forgave our sins against Him instantly, once and for all -- we aren't God! We still live with our sinful hearts and our human eyes and our earthly emotions every day. While the initial choice to forgive a wrong done to us may be the hardest and the ground-breaking act in our heart by the Holy Spirit, it's not always over there. We pick up the bad habits again; sometimes without realizing it. Rather than meditating on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...anything excellent or praiseworthy" (Philippians 4:8)...which I think applies to people, too...we go back to dwelling on the wrong, the ugly, and the irritating. I believe there is an important reason God said to "think about such things." Because our minds and hearts are so intricately connected, what we are meditating on affects our heart-attitude, and vice-versa. I've heard the best way to break a bad habit is by replacing it with a good habit. So many times I find this very true in the spiritual realm. We habitually think and talk in ways that harm our hearts. I believe many times this very thing is the first step to broken relationships. We dwell on the bad and it gets worse. We talk about the ugly and it gets uglier. One "small" offense festers in our hearts and we keep watering and feeding it until it's a huge weed, choking out the love of Christ.
So I urge you to daily make the choice. Develop the habit. Recognize the hurt and ask God if there are conversations to be had, sins of your own to confess. Choose to see the good. Choose to NOT dwell on the unlovely. Let it go and love the person, starting in your heart. It's not easy but it really is simple. And it's what we're commanded to do as followers of Christ. If we ponder the abundance of which we have been forgiven, we find the strength to abundantly forgive. And the peace and joy in our souls when we live forgiveness is great.
Now. Go dust your furniture. :)
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